Will I ever be free of the stress in my life?
We all want to be free of stress, but people like you are particularly intentional about creating a peaceful life. That’s why you’re interested in pursuits like yoga, meditation and wellness.
But are you completely stress-free? I’m the first to admit I’m not. But that doesn’t mean we’re getting it wrong.
What I’ve realised along my own healing journey is that ‘suffering’ is actually the point.
Hear me out: I’m not saying we want to suffer. But by navigating the pain that already exists within us, we open up to release it.
We’ve all picked up numerous programmes in our lives — scripts for how to live, what to care about, who to be. These programmes override our natural state of total self-acceptance, freedom, peace and joy. We’ve learned to live up to certain expectations, judge, criticise, control. It’s these behaviours and mindsets that cause all stress — and they wouldn’t exist if we created our own world from scratch.
That ineffable pain we feel comes from the disconnect between who we really are and the life we’ve accepted by default. Have you ever thought who you’d be if you weren’t given a nationality, socioeconomic background or culture? What if you got to choose your every value and ideal based on your own intuition rather than what you were exposed to?
The work of de-bugging our minds and bodies of these programmes is necessary for anyone who wants to actually rid themselves of stress and sorrow.
One of the most fulfilling things I ever felt is in a moment when I notice something that used to trigger my suffering, only this time I choose not to go down that road.
Can you imagine that? Hearing that same phrase from your loved one that always sends you into a frenzy, and suddenly you realise you don’t have to react. Or you get yet another unexpected bill, and you just take it in your stride.
It’s almost inconceivable, because to remove these stressors is to question your entire paradigm. Surely we’re supposed to be offended, irritated, ashamed, worried. Surely we’re meant to strive or submit or defend. Surely.
Questioning everything takes work. It’s humbling and exhausting. That’s why inner development takes as much grit, fortitude and determination as physical development. There’s often just as much grunting, moaning, sweating and tears.
So perhaps there is this magical state — exemplified by figures like the Buddha and Jesus — in which life is totally stress-free. But don’t all these myths tell us of the trials and tribulations on the path to enlightenment?
Buddhists teach a path to end suffering by being with it, while Stoics remind us that ‘the obstacle is the way’. Jungian psychologists delve deep into our ‘shadows’, and Yogic gods and goddesses represent death, destruction, pain and sorrow to teach us how to work with these experiences.
It is from these myths and philosophies that I have learned to embrace the negativity I experience. I’ve learned that by making space for the suffering as it arises is what allows us to ultimately recognise it as a programme. We’ve learned negativity. We’ve learned stress. And to see it for what it is, we need to turn and face it. We need to let it be there until it’s ready to be released.
By digging with your raw claws into the depths of your darkness, you start to scratch through to the light that it obscures. Because when we ignore our darkness, we continue to hide our light. When we obliviously keep running the programmes we’ve collected, fortifying this unsatisfying reality, we rob ourselves and the world of our true potential. It’s like taking a dose of poison every day and wondering why you have these chronic aches, pains and illnesses.
So, will you ever be free of the stress in your life? My belief is that you can be, but first you have to face the pain beneath what is causing your stress. At times it will feel like it’s getting worse before it gets better, but if you can open to the root of why you’re suffering (and that’s not something you can think your way to), it’s like finally pulling the nail out of an old wound; it might hurt in the moment, but now you can heal properly.
I totally get why most people don’t want to do this work. It can be heavy and confronting. We are so afraid of looking at our shadows because we fear the uncertainty. We fear losing control. We’d rather stay in a reality we know, no matter how uncomfortable or unsatisfying, to avoid the awkward, messy deconstruction of who we think we are.
Am I making it sound fun???
There is good news: this path is paved with moments of such clarity, in which you couldn’t even conceive of the concept of stress. Though they may be fleeting, they grow longer and more frequent every time you process an old programme.
And you can start with baby steps. The first baby step is learning to pause your default mental programmes by coming into the present moment. Mindful movement and relaxation help us create the safe inner space in which this work is done, and this form of self-regulation remains a foundation in what I practice and teach.
A step further involves a mindfulness meditation practice to start observing how you act out your programmes. You observe how you react to life’s circumstances and become aware of how responsible you are for your own reactions. This is a real skill, because it’s hard to see the programme from within the programme ;)
And it’s only when you’re ready to dive deeper that you start the process of meeting your demons and getting to the root of why your reality is the way it is.
You can get started with my weekly classes for general self-regulation practices, join my workshops or courses for an introduction to the deeper practices, or come for 1-to-1 mentoring if you’re ready to truly reprogramme your stress patterns.
From October-November I’m putting on a Meditation & Breathwork course at Jiva in Wimbledon, which will be the perfect opportunity to be introduced to these practices. You can book the course here.
As always, keep me in the loop with your practice. Ask me your questions, tell me your experiences. I live for this work :)
Much love,
Eleanor
